The official definition of anxiety is: ‘a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.’
That ‘something’, in my case, is not tied to a particular event, it is just life.
I know I have so much to be grateful for but sometimes, anxiety creeps up on me like a misty fog. Before I know it, it has enveloped me entirely and I have lost all perspective.
Given how much the term is peddled on social media, I was under the assumption that everyone felt the same. With that in mind, I thought it would be helpful to openly discuss my anxiety with anyone that cared to listen, you know, like start a dialogue. Nobody cared to listen. Apparently people at a party on a Saturday night are not up for discussing my newfound fear of contracting Dengue Fever. Who knew?
Maybe it’s hormonal and at 42, I am approaching a word that begins with the letter ‘M’ that I don’t want to think about because in my head, I am very much still 22.
Or perhaps the world just has become a more uncertain place. War, Brexit, climate change, social media, raising a pre-teen who uses words I do not understand. All contributing to a sense of impending doom, as if the apocalypse is coming. As if it’s all going down the Skibidi toilet.
And as I put my kids to bed last night, feeling particularly anxious for no reason at all, even my 11-year-old son turned to me and said, mum I’m scared. (Is it a full moon?!) I wanted to say, same! But being the model of strength that I am, I decided to remain calm and investigate. What if there is an earthquake or a Tsunami? He asked. I patted him on the back and replied, there won’t be, darling, don’t worry. He happily turned on his side and went to sleep while I frantically Googled ‘chances of Tsunami/ Earthquake in Dubai.’
Later, I said to my husband, I miss being 21 when the world was a safer place. He said, just after 9/11 you mean? Fair point, I thought. Maybe things haven’t changed that much since 2001. But my responsibilities have. My skin elasticity certainly has. What happened to wisdom coming with age? Nobody said anything about anxiety.
I realised, what is missing, is the relief in the reassuring words of a parental figure, who lies and says everything will be fine. It appears, as grown ups, unfortunately, we have to do this for ourselves.
So far I have tried these sparingly: exercise, yoga, meditation, bingeing on sugar, giving up sugar, sobriety, complaining to anyone who will listen (see above). But this time, nothing is working. And I am starting to develop intermittent chest pains.
Anyone else more anxious than usual and finding no relief?
Or does anyone have suggestions on what to do? (Not Xanax. Or maybe Xanax?)